I always love those "you might be a ____ if..." jokes. I always find them extremely hillarious, even if I am the complete opposite of what they are describing. Here are a few I found from various websites that I thought would be fun to share.
YOU MIGHT BE A TRIATHLETE IF…..
· You are sick to your stomach at 2:00 in the morning and check the back of the Pepto Bismol bottle for caloric content and grams of carbohydrates, fat and protein.
· You have plenty of water bottles, safety pins, and t-shirts. · You have trouble keeping lunch less than 2000 calories.
· You usually wake up at 4:00 in the morning but do not get to work until way after 9:00.
· You have a $4000 bike strapped on top of your $2000 car.
· You have no trouble pushing a day’s caloric intake to over 8000 calories.
· Your estate needs rain badly but you’re mad when it does because it screws up your run and bike schedule. In fact, you might be mad but you still go out for your ride or your run in the rain …
· You’re always wet! Either sweat, pool water, seawater, shower water, bath water or its p*****g down outside~
· Your bed time reading on your nightstand consists of a pile of: DeSoto catalogs; InsideTri; Triathlete, VeloNews, USMA Swim, etc.
· You haven’t bought work clothes in two years, yet you own bike shorts made by every manufacturer under the sun and can recite the merits of CoolMax, Supplex, etc. in your sleep!
· Your car has at least one Power Bar wrapper and two sets of work out clothes!
· You know you could make a killing at Jeopardy if only the categories were:- Pat winners of Hawaii Ironman – Legs shaving techniques – 40-30-30 diet- Aerodynamics racing wheels- Gastrointestinal problems and long runs- How to justify a $4000 bike……
· Your kids’ idea of playing is a bike and run race followed by cliff bars, water bottles and awards ceremony.
· Your laundry constantly smells like if someone locked the cat in overnight.
· You leave your apartment or house in the morning with your swim bag on one arm, bike on one shoulder, a change of clothes in another bag in case you can get away at lunch for a workout.
· You look like a pack mule wherever you go.
· You wave at other cyclists, because all triathletes are friendly and if they are not, they are probably purist cyclists trying to get into triathlons and they do not know that triathletes are friendly.
· You can’t decide what tee shirt to wear to your next race.
· You no longer take vacations but weekend triathlon junkets.
· You have far more pairs of shoes in your closet than your non-tri wife does in hers.
· The only “suit” you own has a QR on the chest.
· You think about having sex, but you don’t want it to affect your morning run splits. (Or if you do, you wear a heart rate monitor and measure your recovery time afterwards)
· Your living room has the “swim pile”, the “bike pile”, the “run pile” and the “weight room pile” and you pick and choose from a cafeteria-like area on your way out the door.
· Your kitchen cupboards are organized into “protein”, “carbs” and “etc”
· Your breakfast consists of enough bagels that the bagel guy hands you a freezer bag with your order.
· You’re tempted to do your long rides in a Speedo so that you don’t have a stupid tan for your next race.
· Your bath towel is never dry.
· You bring bottled water to a party so that you’re properly hydrated for the next morning’s long run.
· Everyone else at the party also brought their own bottled water because you don’t have a social life outside of triathlon. Oh yeah, and they all showed up by 7pm and left by 10pm.
· Your company announces mandatory unpaid shutdown days – every other Friday throughout the summer – in order to cut costs and stay in business, and your response is “Great – now I can do two long workouts on the weekends and still have an easy day.”
· You buy a separate dresser for your entire race t-shirts.
· Your 8-year old comes home with the school record for the mile and told you he took it out in a nice pace he could hold… everyone else died.
· You fill your kids’ water bottles with Cytomax instead of blue Gatorade.
· You can ask your mom and your sister and all other girlfriends for shaving advice!!!
· You say that you went to a race last weekend… and somebody responds “running or biking” and you are again forced to explain…
· Your co-workers catch you with a “King Sized” meal deal from Burger King, and you can smile and tell them that you will have no problem working this off on the way home.
· You started the day with a protein shake had a scone and latte after swimming and commuting, then head out for coffee with the co-workers and have a bagel and cream cheese.
· You wear your bathing suit under your work clothes to make a fast transition from work to swim on your lunch hour.
· You name your two new puppies Kona and Hawi.
· Your RST time is cut short by training.
· The dog hides until you’ve showered.
· Your spouse wants dinner out and a movie, so you agree, but fall asleep during the previews and catch hell.
· You realized that mowing the lawn is really smart – after being pinned at all morning.
· You show up at the neighbourhood pool on your bike in a Speedo and embarrass your teenage daughters.
· You’ve spent more on bikes in the last 10 years than you have on clothes for the past 50!
· Y our hair is never dry.
· You were awake for the Northridge quake (4:30AM) because you were out running… and you showed up for 6AM Masters swim workout and wondered where everybody was.
· Somebody hands you a cup of water and you have to restrain yourself form pouring it on your head.
· You forget that talking about daily LSD (Long Slow Distance) and speed freak some people out.
· You have no FRIGGIN idea what to do with yourself on your off day. (Dimmit, I mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, washed the car, and there’s STILL 4 hours of daylight left! Aarrgghh!)
· You come into the office every morning and check RST before you check your email.
· You return from your *Mini-vacation* more exhausted than before you left!
· You feel like you took the day off because all you did was swim 3000 yards.
Haha. I can Identify with about 10 of them! I would probably be able to identify with more if I was older and had been in triathlons for more than a year.
Here's a couple extras I thought of:
1. You never have less than 3 swimsuits drying on your towel rack at one time.
2. You have ran in a blizzard...and actually enjoyed yourself!
3. You go through about 5 swimsuits in a year.
4. While running in the rain, you have had someone tell you "you should be indoors." You just smile and keep running.
Another "You might be a ____ if" list...
You might be a swimmer if:
>If whenever you hear an electronic beep, and you instinctively jump, you might be a swimmer.
>If you have rings around your eyes unrelated to the amount of sleep you got, you might be a swimmer.
>If waking up before dawn to exercise seems normal, you might be a swimmer. (You might also be crazy)
>If jamming a piece of Styrofoam between your legs is not a kinky sexual activity, you might be a swimmer.
>If bugs die of chlorine poisoning when they land on your skin, you might be a swimmer.
>If you sport long, curling hair with split ends on your legs, you might be a swimmer.
>If the phrase "This set with fins" is better than hearing "You just won $1000," you might be a swimmer.
>If you answer, "I don't need to" when someone asks when you showered last, you might be a swimmer.
>If you love a good lightning storm when you have outdoor practice, you might be a swimmer.
>When you learn how to squirt water 15 different ways, you might be a swimmer.
>When your long term goal is to slap your bicep on your lat, you might be a swimmer.
> When you wake up before six for the free doughnuts, you might be a swimmer.
>When you go through so much latex in one season you could wallpaper your room, you might be a swimmer.
>If a friend asks how a certain guy dresses and you reply, "I only see him without his clothes on" you might be a swimmer. [SPEEDOS!!!]
>If your friends have stopped asking you about your plans for the evenings, you might be a swimmer.
>If you go from store to store desperately trying to find your favorite sports drink, you might be a swimmer.
>If the first place you go when you're stressed out is a swimming pool, you might be a swimmer.
>If among your heroes are Janet, Jenny, or Amanda, or you know who I'm talking about, you might be a swimmer.
>If your daily apparel is held together by knots or is torn and see through, you might be a swimmer.
>If you have an inhaler in every color of the rainbow, you might be a swimmer.
>If the phrase, "50 double armed backstroke with a breast stroke kick makes you happier than anything, you might be a swimmer.
>If being fish-like is a compliment, you might be a swimmer.
>If your friends don't even call you anymore because they know that you have no time to do anything, you might be a swimmer.
>If your nightmares consist of a series of numbers ending in 0 or 5, you might be a swimmer.
>If you have hickeys on your neck, you might be a swimmer or you might be lucky.
>If you sweat chlorine even after showering, you might be a swimmer.
>If you just don't understand the charm of the swim suit edition, you might be a swimmer.
>If getting smacked on the butt doesn't bother you at all, you might be a swimmer.
>If someone asks if you have any siblings and you start listing teammates, you might be a swimmer.
>If you cut yourself every time you shave, because you only do it 3 or 4 times a year and are out of practice, you might be a female swimmer.
> If you are determined, strong, smart and tough, you might be a swimmer.
*If you shamelessly walk around the hallways at school in your bathing suit, you might be a swimmer.
*If you think bald heads are hot, you might be a female swimmer.
*If the person who sits behind you in you're math class always tells you that you reak of chlorine, you might be a swimmer.
* If land is your second home, you might be a swimmer.
* If you sometimes have trouble walking because you aren't use to it, you might be a swimmer.
* If you suck at running, you might be a swimmer.
* If your stronger than many of the guys and all the girls in your grade, you might be a female swimmer.
* If you have to try on 30 shirts just to find one that fits your shoulders, you might be a female swimmer.
* If your hair remains in a wet ponytail throughout the day, you might be a swimmer.
* If when the life guard tryouts say you have to swim a 500 in less than 9 minutes you laugh, you might be a swimmer.
* If you have a permanent suit, goggle, and cap tan, you might be a swimmer.
* If all you ever do is eat and sleep during school, you might be a swimmer.
* If all your saturday and friday nights are spent around water, you might be a swimmer.
* If The Toadies "I Come From The Water" is your theme song, you might be a swimmer.
* If the first thing you look at in a guy is abs, you might be a female (maybe even a male) swimmer.
* If you are at the school so early in the morning for practice that you beat the janitors there and the lights in the parking lot are off, you might be a swimmer.
*If a practice of only 5000 yards sounds like heaven to you, you might be a swimmer.
*If you practice 3 or more times a day during the summer, you might be a swimmer.
*If your used to takin a 2 miinute shower and rushing to get dressed just to make it to class a minute after the tardy bell rings, you might be a female swimmer.
* And finally, If every time someone complains about how early they got up to get ready for school, you turn around and bite their head off and almost beat the living **** out of them, you might be a swimmer.
*If your shoes always squeak when you walk down the hall, you might be a swimmer.
*If you walk around with minimal amounts of clothing on, you might be a swimmer.
*If the only thing you can talk about is swimming, you might be a swimmer.
*If you pee on the pooldeck then walk around barefoot, you might be a male swimmer.
*If there are wet towels over every door in your house, you might be a swimmer.
*If your siblings call you beefstick, man-shoulders, Amazon, or Behemoth (emphasis on the HE), you might be a swimmer
Haha. I can identify with almost all of them (except the no showering and the long hair on my legs. Eww!).
What I aspire to be one day..LOL!
You might be an ultrarunner if:
Your wife tries to introduce you to your three children and you reply "Three?"
You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.
You wonder why they don't make all running socks a dusty brown color.
You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
You think that flagel and ibutrophin belong on the breakfast table.
You get more phone calls at 5:00 AM than at 5:00 PM.
You don't recognize your friends with their clothes on.
You have more buckles than belts.
You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with your training.
You keep mistaking your boss for Norm Klein.
6am is sleeping in.
Your feet look better without toenails.
Your idea of a fun date is a 30-mile training run.
You're tempted to look for a bush when there's a long line for the public restroom.
You don't think twice about eating food you've picked up off the floor.
You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
You develop an unnatural fear of mountain lions.
When you wake up without the alarm at 4AM, pop out of bed and think "lets hit the trails".
When you can recite the protein grams by heart of each energy bar.
You don't even LOOK for the Porto-sans anymore.
Your ideal way to celebrate your birthday is to run at least your age in miles with some fellow crazies.
Your ideal way to have fun is to run as far as you can afford to with some fellow crazies.
You know the location of every 7-11, public restroom, and water fountain within a 25-mile radius of your house.
You run marathons for speed work.
You have more fanny packs and water bottles and flashlights than Imelda Marcos has shoes.
You visit a national park with your family and notice a thirty-mile trail connecting where you are with the place your family wants to visit next, which is a 100-mile drive away, and you think "Hmmmm".
Someone asks you how long your training run is going to be and you answer "seven or eight ... hours".
People at work think you're in a whole lot better shape than you think you are.
You actually are in a whole lot better shape than you think you are.
Your weekend runs are limited by how much time you have, not by how far you can run.
You always have at least one black toenail.
You buy economy-sized jars of Vaseline on a regular basis.
You tried hashing, but felt the trails were too short and easy.
You think of pavement as a necessary evil that connects trails.
You rotate your running shoes more often than you rotate your tires.
Your friends recognize your better dressed in shorts than in long pants.
You really envied Tom Hanks' long run as Forest Gump.
You carry money around in a zip lock bag because store clerks complained that your money's usually too sweaty.
Any time a plain old runner talks about her aches and pains, you can sympathize because you've already had that at least once.
You put more miles on your feet than on your rental car over the weekend.
You don't need to paint your toenails; they're already different colors.
You start planning the family vacation around races, and vice-versa.
When you start considering your next vacation location on the merits of its ultras only.
You spend you entire paycheck on running gear, ultrabars, and entry fees.
You miss a work deadline cause you just had to have that "one more minute" on-line writing to the list.
You become a quasi-expert on different detergents so as to not "hurt" your tee shirts.
You leave work early to hit the trails.
You wear t-shirts based on if you've had good work outs when you've worn them before.
Have a trail shoe collection that would make Imelda Marcos envious.
You walk up the stairs and run down them.
Peeing in the toilet seems unnatural.
You start wearing running clothes to work so you're prepared for afterwards.
Running trail is better then sex. (even if you don't get any)
Vaseline isn't just for fun anymore.
When the start of a marathon feels like a 5K and you're wondering "Why is everyone in such a rush? Where the ##@@**!! is the fire?"
As an infant you were dropped on your head.
Nobody recognizes your power T's. Met a guy at the market the other day who was wearing an AR50 T. So was I. I gave him a hearty, "Ta-da." He said, "Oh yeah, I tell people we were all acquitted and the charges were dropped."
You sign up for a 10K and
you strap on your fanny pack because you never know where the aid stations are.
you bring your own drinks.
you bring potatoes and salt.
you start fast and a six year old passes you.
you are the only one walking the up hills.
you run it a second time because its not far enough to call a training run (and you were racing the first time through).
you are the only one around who is eyeing the bushes THAT way.
you punch the lap button on your watch instead of the stop button at the finish.
When "NEXT GAS 36 MILES" signs start sounding like tempting runs.
Your pedicure kit includes a pair of pliers.
Your number of toes to toenails doesn't match.
You drink from a water bottle at the dinner table.
You consider the mold and mildew in your bottles extra electrolytes.
You just found out Poison and Oak are words by themselves.
You see a 1 quart water bottle colored like an Advil bottle, and don't realize that it's not in fact an Advil bottle.
You know you're married to an ultrarunner when Valentine's gifts come from Ultrafit.
You know you're married to an ultrarunner when she helps you up and says, "Come on, suck it up, keep moving!" and you know she means it in love.
You know you're an ultrarunner when a prospective employer asks for a photograph and all you have is race photos.
You know you're an ultrarunner when the races you enter end in a different area code. -and pass through several different Zip codes enroute.
You know you're an ultrarunner when your crew tries to keep you motivated by saying, "You're in second place and only 6 hours behind first with 25 miles to go!"
You know you're an ultrarunner when you go to your 8:00 a.m. college geology class and you can use the salt crystals, still caked on your glasses frames from your early morning run, in your talk on the category of sedimentary materials called evaporites (and I'm not making this up).
You know you're an ultrarunner when, on the night of a bad thunderstorm and downpour, you ring for a cab, and your announcement that this is the *first time* you're not getting home under your own steam causes a stunned silence in the office.
You bother to argue about (discuss the meaning of) what an UltraRunner is!!!
when you don't finish on the same day as the winner.
your dogs can drink out of water bottles
When you meet the opposite sex you see:
A possible crew.
A possible pacer.
A possible search and rescue team.
A possible race director.
A possible source of race entry fees.
You ask advice of hundreds of people on a list, looking for answers you have already determined to be correct, taking hold of only those, and running with 'em.
Your wife asks you the morning after your first 50 miler if you're still planning on that 100K in five weeks, and you say "Sure!"
You strap on your water bottles and walk the hills... in a 5 K race and consider that your 10 minute pace is a blistering pace.
People praise you to the high heavens for being able to finish a marathon, and you feel insulted.
You do a triathlon and it is your RUN time that is slower than the years when you specialized in triathlon.
You are told *not* to run another marathon during the next few months (because that would be bad for your health), and you really follow that advice - by immediately sending off the entry form for your next 50/100 miler.
Somebody asks about the distance of an upcoming race and you, without thinking, say, "Oh, it's just a 50K."
You're running a marathon and at mile 20 say to yourself, "Wow, only 6 more miles left, this is such a great training run!"
You know you are a clumsy ultrarunner when after running headfirst into the trail for the third time get up and continue running even though you are bleeding and covered in maple syrup where your gel flask exploded and you have another 20k to go.
You go for an easy 2 hour run in the middle of a Hurricane and think it is fun to get wet, muddy and run through the rivers that were once trails.
You get to the 81 mile point of a 100 miler and say to yourself, "Wow, only 19 miles left!"
You try to tie double knots in your Oxfords.
You pass a swamp towards the end of a run and think 'How bad could it be?"
Livestock salt blocks look good after a run.
You're embarrassed that you've only done 50K's...
Your wife/girlfriend/significant other asks you if you want to have sex on any particular night and you respond with:
"sorry, I don't have time, I have to go running"
"sorry, I'm too tired, I just went running"
"sorry, I would rather go read all my messages from the ultra-list"
You go down a flight of stairs, uh, backwards, after an ultra and everybody laughs.
No one believes you when you say "never again".
You refer to certain 100 mile races as "low-key."
You number your running shoes to distinguish old from new, since they all look dirty.
Prior to running a difficult race, you check to see if local hospitals and urgent care centers are in your PPO.
The only time major household projects get done is in a taper or race recovery.
Everything in your life, everything, is organized in different sized zip-loc bags.
You call a 50-mile race "just another training run".
You think a 100-mile race is easier than a 50 miler because you don't have to go out as fast.
You say, "Taper? Who's got time to taper? I have a race coming up this weekend."
You're tapering/recovering, and you'd rather drive 50 miles to watch Ann Trason's heavenly running style for 20 seconds than the Super Bowl.
You have to rent a car to drive to a major event because you and your pacer own stick shifts and neither will be able to drive them on the return trip.
You actually DO drive a stick shift home with a severely pulled left hamstring
You meet someone of the opposite sex on the trail of a 100 and all of conversation is about what color is your urine, can you drink? and were you able to dump.
Ya know you're and ultra runner when a girl changes her tank and her bra in front of you and all you do is take another drink of water, look at your watch, get up and tell your pacer "Let's hit the trail."
On a long drive you see the road signs listing various mileages to different places and think of how long it would take to get there on foot rather than by the car your driving.
You've started a race in the dark, run all day, and finished in the dark (if your lucky).
Your non-Ultrarunning running friends look at you strange when you tell them that 10:00/Mile is a fast pace for a 100 mile race (not to mention most ultras).
You don't hesitate to lie down in the trail (anywhere) when you are falling asleep on your feet during the early morning hours on the second day of a 100 miler; and it feels so comfortable.
Finally...
You know your an ultrarunner when you actually sit down and read all of the postings about, "You know your an ultrarunner when..." and can laugh and relate to all of the comments.
If you have any other "you might be a ___if" jokes, post them!
No comments:
Post a Comment